A letter to my first baby.

There are so many things I wish I could say to you, but sometimes it is hard to find the right words for a love this big.

I am sorry I did not heal before having you.

I am sorry for the ways my pain, my struggles, and the things I carried from my own childhood may have affected you. I was not perfect. I made mistakes. There were times I was overwhelmed, times I was trying to survive while also trying to be the mother you deserved.

But please know this: I did the best I could with the tools I had.

I grew up in a home that did not teach me what healthy love looked like. I did not have the right people around me. I did not have examples of patience, safety, softness, or support. I was trying to learn while I was already raising you, and that is not something I will ever stop feeling sorry for.

But even in all of my brokenness, I loved you with everything in me.

You were never unloved. You were never unwanted. You were never a burden.

You were the light in some of my darkest moments. You gave me a reason to keep going when I wanted to give up. In so many ways, you saved me without ever even knowing it.

Because of you, I wanted to be better. Because of you, I started trying to heal. Because of you, I learned that love could be different than what I grew up with.

I hope one day you understand that even when I got it wrong, my heart was always in the right place. I would have given you the world if I could have.

I am beyond proud of the young man you are becoming. Watching you grow has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. You are strong, kind, smart, and so deeply loved.

No matter how old you get, no matter where life takes you, you will always be my baby first.

And I will always love you beyond words