"The Truth About the 'Bad Child'" : Why I'm Finally Choosing to Heal.

• Note: Trigger warning: This post discusses childhood trauma, suicide attempts and sexual abuse. Please read with care.

Breaking the Silence: From Survival Mode to Healing

I lived on survival mode for so long that I forgot there was any other way to exist. For years, I was labeled the “bad child.” I was angry, lost, and hurting so deeply that at sixteen, I simply didn't want to live in the hell I was going through anymore. I wanted to end it all, I tired! Thankfully, I made it through that dark period of my life! ( I, Thank God everyday I am still here and for the life I have made! I wish I could tell my 16 year old self, that everything will get better and you will build a family and build a life that is full of love and happiness! ) But now the truth is finally coming to light: I wasn't a bad child. I was an unprotected one.

​I needed love, support, and direction. Instead, I spent my childhood screaming in a pain that no one seemed to hear or care about.

​The Mirror of Motherhood

For decades, I subconsciously blocked out the trauma. I lived with a "trauma bond"—often called Stockholm Syndrome—where I felt a deep sense of loyalty and even idolization toward the person who was damaging me. My grandfather, I didn't want to believe the truth.

​But as I had a daughter of my own, the walls began to crumble. Seeing her grow up is like seeing a reflection of my younger self. As she reached the ages I was when the abuse occurred, the fears of history repeating itself ignited something in me. The flashbacks came in floods, and I realized I could no longer stay silent. I am facing this head-on because my daughter and all my kids deserves a mother who is whole, and I deserve a life that isn't dictated by my past.I lived in survival mode for so long that I forgot there was any other way to exist. It’s only now, looking at my kids now, that the walls I built have started to crumble. Seeing their innocence brought back the memories I subconsciously blocked out: the years of abuse starting at age three, and the 'trauma bond' that forced me to idolize the very person who was hurting me. I am finally processing the decades of silence.

​Understanding the Weight We Carry

If you are reading this and you feel "mad" at the world, or if your family doesn't understand why you are pulling away, please know that your feelings are valid. Healing often looks like anger to those who were used to your silence.

​Typical responses to the trauma I endured include:

• ​Feeling like you are losing control of your life or mind.

• ​Re-experiencing the past through intrusive flashbacks.

• ​A negative self-image or feeling "dirty" inside.

• ​Disruptions in your closest relationships.

​These are not signs that you are "bad" or "broken." They are normal responses to an abnormal amount of pain.

Choosing to Heal

I am writing this to reclaim my narrative. I am no longer the "bad child"—I am a survivor, a mother, and a cycle-breaker. This journey is incredibly hard, but it is exactly what I need. I am stepping out of survival mode so that my daughter and all my kids never has to enter it.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse, please know that you do not have to carry it alone. Help is available, and your voice matters.

​National Sexual Assault Hotline

Available 24 hours | Call: 1-800-656-4673

Website: https://rainn.org/

​If You Are Struggling Today

​If you are feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, or like the weight of the past is too much to carry, please reach out. You don’t have to do this alone.

• ​988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (Available 24/7 in English and Spanish)

• ​Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741